Sleepless nights
My greatest fear is giving Matheson a justified reason to believe he has the worst parents ever. Sometimes I get too afraid to admit that we’re falling short of being the very worst, but cutting it too damn close.
Then I tell myself things will never be the way I want them to be or dreamed them to be and I just have to roll with the punches. So I deal.
Some force of divinity gave this to me. Whether I deserve it or not, the trivialities are mine and his and ours, but I don’t ever think we’ll be able to work together. And perhaps we never will. I think we’re too different. Like polar opposites, it’s best if we stay far apart.
Because throughout the course of our history together, or even separated by miles of space, the moment when I get too close, too devoted, I become externally destructive. Breaking hearts, crushing souls, destroying lives. And even if temporarily and unbelievably unlikely, I know I am bound to a few that I must account for.
No child should know their parents are anything like us…. So let me change. Maybe this year, just this year, I’ll make it different on my own.
“my friend, it is easy to love someone who does not love you back, but it is unbearable to invest love in someone who is in love with someone else; it will never be, let him go… Forever.”
It is always easier said than done.
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